Plenty of Fools in the Ocean of Life
Navigating the stormy waters of divorce, kids, job and dating in today's world
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As we get older, whether we are men or women, we go through changes. Some physical changes, some mental changes, some financial changes, etc., but for some their sexual habits and/or desires change. Everything may not work the way it once did, as we get older. Some may have to take a pill, use lubricate, and/or toys, to achieve the same sexual satisfaction they once had.
I recently experienced almost total dryness and had to use lubricate, for the first time ever. I started seeing a guy and when we got to the point of intimacy, I could not achieve enough wetness, with him, it made the sex very uncomfortable and unenjoyable. The lubricate helped, but still wasn’t enough.
After my weekend with him, I spoke with a friend and she said she had started the same issue with her husband and they had to turn to lubricates, to make it pleasurable for her. She said her sex drive was still the same, but she could not achieve the same wetness, she always was able to. After speaking with a couple of close friends, it seemed this was common, among women, as they went through or after menopause. I had a hysterectomy about sixteen years ago and went through an early menopause, due to the hysterectomy and never experienced this issue before. I was extremely disappointed, as I have a high sex drive and didn’t feel the lubricate was helping.
As you all know that follow my blog, I have experienced the most amazing sex, with one man and he offered in the interest of science, to see if this truly was an issue for me or it was the partner. He could not believe I could ever have an issue, as he knows I would get extremely soaked, more so with him, than anyone else.
I agreed to his offer and we made a plan to go to dinner and then come back to my place and see if it was me or the partner. Dinner was amazing as always, as we always have a great time, great conversation and very much enjoy each other’s company, outside the bedroom, as well as inside the bedroom. After dinner we went to the bar, enjoyed the band that was playing and a drink and then he leaned over and said “do you want to go back to your place and make love?” I of course said yes. He paid the bill and we headed back to my place. I was a little nervous, as sex with him was always amazing, as he is an amazing lover, but was worried it would not be, if I could not achieve the wetness with him, also.
When we arrived back at my place we went upstairs to my bedroom and immediately begin to kiss and undress. I was wet just from the thought of him and as he began kissing me and undressing me, I became soaked. We made love for over two hours, it was amazing, as always and I was so soaked it was running down my leg. We fell asleep and woke up and made love again for another two hours or more. It was so amazing and again I had no issue getting wet. He actually said he could have used scuba gear I was so wet.
I can’t explain why with the other partner I could only achieve little to no wetness, but maybe Mr. Amazing, has spoiled me, with the most amazing sex, that any other does not satisfy me.
As I went to sleep last night, I laid on the pillows he used, I could smell him still in the room and on the pillows. I found myself wet, just by the thought of him and how amazing sex with him is. He would like to christen each room in my house and I personally can not wait.
When you have had the best, it can’t compare to the rest! This could be the reason I could only achieve little to no wetness, with anyone else now. We both seem to come so many times, when we are together. When I told him how amazing he was, he said it takes two and we are amazing together. I agree some people just connect sexually and some don’t and when you have the most amazing sex, with the most amazing lover, others don’t seem to compare or satisfy. Science doesn’t lie people!
The first thing I did was to try and come up with a new budget, but when I did I was negative $973 each month. Our JOD stated to split the mortgage or sell the home and my ex decided after three months of splitting the mortgage he was no longer going to split it. It wasn’t so much the mortgage, but the monthly bills for the home, heating and cooling the house. Also, he had let many things in the house go or put off fixing them, so the maintenance was also a problem.
I filed a motion, pleaded my case before the judge, but the judge told me she could not force him to split the mortgage. She ordered us to stop paying the mortgage and to place the home up for a short sale, as we owed more than it was worth. She also told us if it didn’t sell in a short sale, that we would then have to let our home go into foreclosure. I was heart broken, as how would I tell my children they would have to move from their childhood home. I cried the whole way home from court. What my ex wasn’t realizing, through all this, that he was breaking yet another promise that he made to our children. He wasn’t realizing that each time he would break another promise he made to our children, our children would lose more respect for him, pull further away from him and have more and more anger towards him. It was breaking my heart to watch my children’s relationship with their father slowly fall apart.
I had mixed emotions about losing in court and having to sell the family home. Part of me was so sad, as this was my home for twenty plus years, the home I brought both my children home from the hospital to, the home my children grew up in and held so many memories for all of us. Part of me was glad, as I felt living in the house that was ours, along with everything in it, that I truly couldn’t move on.
I came up with a plan to get a part time job, in addition to my full time job. I started applying to places for a part time job. I got a part time job at Kohl’s. I came up with a new budget. With not having to pay the mortgage and the part time job, I would be able to put money away for when we had to move and also pay off my debt. I worked seven days a week, 45 hours a week at my full time job and 30 hours at my part time job. I went from one job to another, most days, eating a sandwich I had made the night before, as I drove from my full time job to my part time job. I was exhausted, working both jobs, but just pushed through and did what I had to, so that I could get my debt paid off. Kohl’s was a great place to work and offered a great employee discount, which came in handy, especially at Christmas time. One night, at the end of my shift, I applied for a Kohl’s card and was shocked I got approved. I was so excited, as this was my first charge card in my name, after the divorce and a step towards repairing my credit. I learned that I should not close my old accounts and that my credit score would go up as I paid down my credit cards and other debt. I started a new practice that I called swipe and write. If I was to use a credit card, to earn rewards points, or get an extra discount, I would then write a check for the amount I spent and pay it right then. My goal was to pay off my debt and with no mortgage or rent and my part time job at Kohl’s I would accomplish this.
Next post I will go into how I prepared or tried to prepare for when we would have to move.
When I went to get divorced and went through our finances, I discovered I was over my head in debt. During my marriage I had handled the finances and had a strict budget, at one time. I would charge up my JCPenny’s card at Christmas, for example and then divide the balance by ten, this way it would be paid off to be able to charge again for Christmas, the next year. I remember my ex finally taking an interest in the bills and looking at my budget. He then questioned why I wasn’t just paying the minimum on the bills. I explained my budget and the reason I budgeted this way to him and he wasn’t happy. He then began to complain every month about my budget and tell me over and over again, my budget was crazy and didn’t make sense. As, he always did, he made me feel like I was wrong and stupid. I finally had enough of this and told him, if he could do better, than he could take over the finances and paying the bills. He gladly took over. I would discover later that it was the worse thing I could have done.
Not only was I over my head in debt, we had a second mortgage on our house, in his name only and credit cards in my name I had no clue I had. This was a time when banks were doing crazy things with mortgages. I found out later that the credit card offers came in the mail, he went online, applied, was approved and put himself, as a second card holder. I felt like I would never get out from under this debt.
The next blow came when he informed me he had an attorney and the agreement we worked on for months, which we both had agreed was very reasonable, was out the window. In the agreement we split all bills, debt, child related expenses, etc., fifty fifty. I wasn’t taking any child support and only a dollar of alimony. His girlfriend at the time felt he was getting screwed and needed an attorney. I had no money for an attorney, was over my head in debt and felt alone, lost and helpless. I lost it, was depressed, felt everyone was against me and like I was going to lose everything. The one thing I feared the most, was that I was going to lose my children. My ex would say to me over and over again if I couldn’t support the kids that I would have to move out of the family home and he would take care of the kids. I almost gave up. I was packing my bags and giving him the kids and the house. I made less than $30,000, didn’t finish my degree and financially couldn’t support my kids. My sisters and aunt came over and showed me it wasn’t hopeless and my kids told me that they didn’t want to live with their father. They told me if we had to live in my car they didn’t care, as long as they were with me it didn’t matter where we lived. It was at that moment I decided I couldn’t give up, that I wasn’t going to let my kids down, wasn’t going to let him bully me anymore and this time I wasn’t going to let him win. I got up the next morning and set out to do the best I could in court without a lawyer. My brother came to court with me for support. I vowed I would support my kids the best I could, as my kids wanted to be with me and not their father.
One day my daughter and I were driving in the car and she started to tell me all the things her father had told his girlfriend about me and said all the things he was saying about me were all things he said and did, not me. She then asked me why her father would tell her all those lies. I didn’t know what to say, but all I said to her was that I didn’t know why and that she would have to ask her father. There were times my daughter would come home from a visit with her father and his girlfriend and go right to her room and cry. When I asked what was wrong she didn’t want to talk about it. I later found out after her father broke up with this girlfriend, that the girlfriend told my daughter that she didn’t need to worry about living with her crazy mother for much longer, as her and her father were going to get married and get custody of her and her brother. I knew at this moment that I had done the right thing in not giving custody over to their father and giving up.
After the divorce was finalized, it was just the beginning, I had to get out of the debt I was in from my marriage, I had to repair my credit, I had to finish my degree and many other things. I sought advice, read articles and books and did everything I could to learn how I could accomplish all this. I will continue to post on my journey and tell you how I have and will accomplish this.
When I was 12 years old my parents sat my brother and I down and told us that they were separating. Four long years later my dad was moved out and the divorce papers were signed. It became just my brother, mom, two dogs, and I. My parents divorce made me grow up faster than the other kids my age. With my dad gone I would have to help my mom do everything she usually did plus what my dad did. I was determined to help her and make it easier for her anyway I could so instead of playing outside with my friends after school I would be inside cooking dinner for her for when she got home like my dad usually did. My mom worked during the day and at night and my brother went to school during the day and worked at night most of the time. I only went to school during the day at this point so I felt it was my duty to do the things around the house at night. I took care of the house making sure it was cleaned and things were done. I owed this to my mom for working so hard to keep a roof over our heads. At this time I realized it was my time to stop being a child and grow up, this was a mission I was willing to take on.
This quick period of time that I had to grow up taught me that there are many different responsibilities to go along with growing up. I had to learn to manage my money and time. I was given a certain amount of money each month from my father. That was the money I had for spending, for example getting clothes, buying food, hanging out with friends, etc. Managing my money was difficult at first, but became easier as I started to realize toward the end of the month I had little to no money because at the beginning of the month I would spend most of my money. I would deny hanging out with my friends because I didn’t have the money to. This helped me come up with a budget to manage my money so I wouldn’t miss out on anything with my friend/family at any time. What also helped was saying no to things I really didn’t need or turning down plans I couldn’t afford. I stuck to the things I needed and at the end of the month I would have money left.
I had to learn when it was appropriate to do things and when it was not. I learned when it was okay to ask to do something and when it was not. I knew when I didn’t do my chores it would stress my mom out so instead of asking to hang out with my friends knowing she’s going to say no because I didn’t do my chores I decided I had to take the higher road and say no to my friends myself and stay home to do my chores. My time became very valuable with all the responsibilities that were held in my hand. Knowing when it was time to do my homework and give me ample time to complete it was a big struggle I had at first, but as time went on I became more organized. I believe this will help me in college because I have learned to be more independent and organized. I believe these two things are important when entering college. You need to know how to be independent, manage your money and time as your parents won’t be there to do it for you. In a way my dad leaving help me have an understand what it is like to be on my own. Being organized showed me time management skills which will help you keep up with school academically. Going through my parent’s divorce helped shape who I became as a person by showing me what it’s like to grow up.
Written by a child who’s parents got divorced……
Have you ever received a Christmas gift that you weren’t expecting and didn’t want? The summer before I was going into 6Th grade my family moved from my hometown, in New Jersey, to Florida. My parents said that we needed a change and we followed them. In late December that year I heard my parents fighting in their room and I heard bits and pieces of the conversation like “I’m done,” and ” We need to tell them now.” I went to my room with a million and one thoughts in my head of what they were talking about. They came out of the room, my mom crying, they called my brother and I out to the living room. My parents decided to sit us down to tell us something. My dad spoke and said something like, “We tried to work it out, but we can’t.” They told us that their relationship wasn’t working out and they are better a part, so they said they were “getting divorced.” After those words came out the arguing and yelling started.
Receiving this news was devastating. I never thought that it would happen to my family. I always saw it as the four of us. It felt like my childhood and life just stopped and my whole world was about to be flipped around. I was twelve when I found this out and didn’t completely understand what was going on. I heard about it happening to other families from friends and shows, but I always thought it was because they would fight all the time, and I never saw or heard my parents fight until that night. I knew that my life was going to change, but I was unaware of how much and how the process is. I became overpowered by the anger all the time from not knowing what to do. I was always the type to be organized and plan everything out and this was so unexpected I didn’t know what to do. I was angry with myself for not knowing that this was coming. I was also angry at my parents that they were putting me through this.
After finding out this news my family decided to move back to New Jersey because that is where most of my family and support system was. During the process, my parents wouldn’t agree and would just yell at each other. To make it all stop and the papers to get signed I decided to involve myself. I remember sitting at the kitchen table reviewing the finances with my mom, to see how much my dad should/could give her. They weren’t talking at this point and when they would it would just be screaming and not getting anywhere. After coming up with a plan with my mom I would bring it to my dad and sit down with him to look it over to see if he needed/wanted to make any changes. Of course, he did. Then I would go back to my mom for her to review over and so on. I did this for about a year until they came up with a plan that my parents and the judge agreed on. The whole process took around four years and it was mostly because they wouldn’t agree on issues dealing with the distribution of money.
I became involved because I was tired of hearing all the screaming and negative things said about each other. I thought being involved would help so I quickly learned to grow up and to understand more about finances. During the whole process I felt abandoned by the responsibilities my parents were supposed to do and now only having one parents, my mom, it was hard for her to do everything. I wanted to do anything I could to help her because she fought a hard fight to keep my brother and I with her. I started to help more and more around the house. I felt like I’d become the other parent in the house and like my childhood was gone, but it was something I choose to do and sacrificed since she did so much for me. In middle school, instead of having done the normal kid thing I would be doing the basic adult things. I had become more mature. I would do the dishes, cook dinner, go food shopping, etc. My life became more complex.
After those four years the divorce papers were signed and my dad was moved out. It became my brother, mom, and I. I walked home from the school bus stop after school one day to a letter on the door. I went inside, put everything down, and read the letter. It was an eviction
notice. We had to leave the house because my dad wasn’t paying like he was supposed to be doing. I called my mom crying, upset that I would have to leave the house that I lived in my whole life, where I grew up and had so many memories in. About two months later we were moved out and into a new home, a smaller home. We had to find something that my mom could afford and in the same town so I didn’t have to change schools senior year. I never called this place my home, but the place we lived in until we got back on our feet. One year later we found our new home. It is in the next town over, I was able to stay at my school to finish out senior year, it is close to the water, and it is a good amount of space to live in. This place became my new home the minute I saw it, I pictured myself living there. This new home is where my new life began.
When I saw and read that notice on the front door I felt like my whole world was ending. I loved that house and it’s still hard to pass by it knowing another family is there and you’re not. My childhood house would never be forgotten, I will always have the memories there. Looking back on it now it was a good thing to move out, it gave us a chance to move on. That house brings back memories of my whole family together, the four of us. We needed that change. We had to move on and stop living in the past because that’s the only thing that we can do. It hurt a lot and it still hurts talking about it now, but if we were still in that house things would be different and we would be living in the past and it wasn’t healthy. I hated the first house I moved into. It was small and in a bad area, the house kept falling apart. I didn’t want to be in that house, but I also didn’t want to move again. My mom would drag me to see these houses and I couldn’t see myself in any of them, I just wanted to be back in my home. That wasn’t an option and it never will be. We went to this one house and I actually thought to myself that this might be good, I saw myself living there and having family and friends over, I was excited. I realized that’s why my mom brought me to these she was looking for that smile I had on that day. She knew that was the home. My new home gave me that chance to move on and live my life and to put the past behind me instead of searching to fix it.
No matter what happens to you there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Bad things happen to the best of people and the worse, it’s just how things go, you just have to look at the big picture and hope to see the good one day. If we just sit there hoping for things to change we aren’t living. Everyone has to move on and hope that the future is brighter and that things will change. We can’t change the past so why bothering stressing out about it. During my parents divorce I was always trying to fix things, but I couldn’t, not because I wasn’t trying hard enough, but because it was already broken. I wasted four years stuck in the past. When I opened eyes, everything changed and it changed for the better. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and breath to realize that everything will work out in the end.
Without my parents getting divorced I wouldn’t be here where I am today. I don’t even know what my life would be like. It shaped who I am today and for that I am thankful. If I didn’t get involved I wouldn’t have found my love for math and business. If my parents didn’t fight all the time I wouldn’t have focused on my studies as hard for a way to escape. I wouldn’t be as close with my brother. My life has turned out good and I can’t wait for the future. I hope to be successful and help other children that are dealing with the same thing I went through and let them know they are not alone.
Why is it that you hear over and over again from friends, family or people in general, how truly unhappy they are in their current relationship. You are there to listen to them complain, cry on your shoulder for break up after break up, yet they continue to run back to that person, time after time. Meanwhile, they tell you how wonderful you are, great friend, always there for them and they can’t understand how come you haven’t been able to find someone, as anyone would be so lucky to have you. You begin to wonder, what am I doing wrong? The people they are with are either moody, bitchy, demanding, make them feel worthless, make them feel guilty, withhold sex or all these things. Makes you wonder if this is what people want and if you should become like them, then maybe you would become more desirable. They say they are unhappy and are constantly complaining, yet they keep going back for more. It makes you wonder if these people are afraid to leave the person and be alone. You wonder if they are afraid of never finding another person that wants to be with them. If they don’t see themselves as desirable, to others. Has that person become a habit to them? You also wonder if you are getting the whole truth, as you are only hearing their side and not the other person’s side. You wonder if they are telling you these things, so you will boost their ego and tell them how amazing they are and that the person they are with should count themselves lucky to have them. So I wonder do people like being unhappy? Do they like feeling worthless? Do they like the drama of fight after fight? Is this a turn on for them? Do they have that low a self-esteem? Or are they telling you fabricated fairy tales, so you will feel sorry for them? It is the same with the people who’s online dating profile says they can’t wait to meet that someone special and get off the site. Here you are going on date after date and even make a connections, but can’t get someone who wants to see you on a regular basis, or even a second date, as they are content with a phone or texting relationship. You meet, have a connection, great time, talk for hours on the phone, even go on several dates, yet they are still fishing for a better fish. It makes me think that honest and true people are hard to come by and are the minority these days. So are people afraid of telling the truth? Afraid of being hurt? Afraid of being alone? Or just all around afraid? I have said this before, I did this once and will never settle again. We all deserve to be happy and I would rather be alone and unhappy than with someone and be miserable. Staying with someone you are unhappy with is not just unfair to you, but unfair to the person you are with.
