How divorce changes a child

Written by a child who’s parents got divorced……

Have you ever received a Christmas gift that you weren’t expecting and didn’t want? The summer before I was going into 6Th grade my family moved from my hometown, in New Jersey, to Florida. My parents said that we needed a change and we followed them. In late December that year I heard my parents fighting in their room and I heard bits and pieces of the conversation like “I’m done,” and ” We need to tell them now.” I went to my room with a million and one thoughts in my head of what they were talking about. They came out of the room, my mom crying, they called my brother and I out to the living room. My parents decided to sit us down to tell us something. My dad spoke and said something like, “We tried to work it out, but we can’t.” They told us that their relationship wasn’t working out and they are better a part, so they said they were “getting divorced.” After those words came out the arguing and yelling started.

Receiving this news was devastating. I never thought that it would happen to my family. I always saw it as the four of us. It felt like my childhood and life just stopped and my whole world was about to be flipped around. I was twelve when I found this out and didn’t completely understand what was going on. I heard about it happening to other families from friends and shows, but I always thought it was because they would fight all the time, and I never saw or heard my parents fight until that night. I knew that my life was going to change, but I was unaware of how much and how the process is. I became overpowered by the anger all the time from not knowing what to do. I was always the type to be organized and plan everything out and this was so unexpected I didn’t know what to do. I was angry with myself for not knowing that this was coming. I was also angry at my parents that they were putting me through this.

After finding out this news my family decided to move back to New Jersey because that is where most of my family and support system was. During the process, my parents wouldn’t agree and would just yell at each other. To make it all stop and the papers to get signed I decided to involve myself. I remember sitting at the kitchen table reviewing the finances with my mom, to see how much my dad should/could give her. They weren’t talking at this point and when they would it would just be screaming and not getting anywhere. After coming up with a plan with my mom I would bring it to my dad and sit down with him to look it over to see if he needed/wanted to make any changes. Of course, he did. Then I would go back to my mom for her to review over and so on. I did this for about a year until they came up with a plan that my parents and the judge agreed on. The whole process took around four years and it was mostly because they wouldn’t agree on issues dealing with the distribution of money.

I became involved because I was tired of hearing all the screaming and negative things said about each other. I thought being involved would help so I quickly learned to grow up and to understand more about finances. During the whole process I felt abandoned by the responsibilities my parents were supposed to do and now only having one parents, my mom, it was hard for her to do everything. I wanted to do anything I could to help her because she fought a hard fight to keep my brother and I with her. I started to help more and more around the house. I felt like I’d become the other parent in the house and like my childhood was gone, but it was something I choose to do and sacrificed since she did so much for me. In middle school, instead of having done the normal kid thing I would be doing the basic adult things. I had become more mature. I would do the dishes, cook dinner, go food shopping, etc. My life became more complex.

After those four years the divorce papers were signed and my dad was moved out. It became my brother, mom, and I. I walked home from the school bus stop after school one day to a letter on the door. I went inside, put everything down, and read the letter. It was an eviction
notice. We had to leave the house because my dad wasn’t paying like he was supposed to be doing. I called my mom crying, upset that I would have to leave the house that I lived in my whole life, where I grew up and had so many memories in. About two months later we were moved out and into a new home, a smaller home. We had to find something that my mom could afford and in the same town so I didn’t have to change schools senior year. I never called this place my home, but the place we lived in until we got back on our feet. One year later we found our new home. It is in the next town over, I was able to stay at my school to finish out senior year, it is close to the water, and it is a good amount of space to live in. This place became my new home the minute I saw it, I pictured myself living there. This new home is where my new life began.

When I saw and read that notice on the front door I felt like my whole world was ending. I loved that house and it’s still hard to pass by it knowing another family is there and you’re not. My childhood house would never be forgotten, I will always have the memories there. Looking back on it now it was a good thing to move out, it gave us a chance to move on. That house brings back memories of my whole family together, the four of us. We needed that change. We had to move on and stop living in the past because that’s the only thing that we can do. It hurt a lot and it still hurts talking about it now, but if we were still in that house things would be different and we would be living in the past and it wasn’t healthy. I hated the first house I moved into. It was small and in a bad area, the house kept falling apart. I didn’t want to be in that house, but I also didn’t want to move again. My mom would drag me to see these houses and I couldn’t see myself in any of them, I just wanted to be back in my home. That wasn’t an option and it never will be. We went to this one house and I actually thought to myself that this might be good, I saw myself living there and having family and friends over, I was excited. I realized that’s why my mom brought me to these she was looking for that smile I had on that day. She knew that was the home. My new home gave me that chance to move on and live my life and to put the past behind me instead of searching to fix it.

No matter what happens to you there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Bad things happen to the best of people and the worse, it’s just how things go, you just have to look at the big picture and hope to see the good one day. If we just sit there hoping for things to change we aren’t living. Everyone has to move on and hope that the future is brighter and that things will change. We can’t change the past so why bothering stressing out about it. During my parents divorce I was always trying to fix things, but I couldn’t, not because I wasn’t trying hard enough, but because it was already broken. I wasted four years stuck in the past. When I opened eyes, everything changed and it changed for the better. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and breath to realize that everything will work out in the end.

Without my parents getting divorced I wouldn’t be here where I am today. I don’t even know what my life would be like. It shaped who I am today and for that I am thankful. If I didn’t get involved I wouldn’t have found my love for math and business. If my parents didn’t fight all the time I wouldn’t have focused on my studies as hard for a way to escape. I wouldn’t be as close with my brother. My life has turned out good and I can’t wait for the future. I hope to be successful and help other children that are dealing with the same thing I went through and let them know they are not alone.


Are people really unhappy or afraid to tell the truth?

Why is it that you hear over and over again from friends, family or people in general, how truly unhappy they are in their current relationship. You are there to listen to them complain, cry on your shoulder for break up after break up, yet they continue to run back to that person, time after time. Meanwhile, they tell you how wonderful you are, great friend, always there for them and they can’t understand how come you haven’t been able to find someone, as anyone would be so lucky to have you. You begin to wonder, what am I doing wrong? The people they are with are either moody, bitchy, demanding, make them feel worthless, make them feel guilty, withhold sex or all these things. Makes you wonder if this is what people want and if you should become like them, then maybe you would become more desirable. They say they are unhappy and are constantly complaining, yet they keep going back for more. It makes you wonder if these people are afraid to leave the person and be alone. You wonder if they are afraid of never finding another person that wants to be with them. If they don’t see themselves as desirable, to others. Has that person become a habit to them? You also wonder if you are getting the whole truth, as you are only hearing their side and not the other person’s side. You wonder if they are telling you these things, so you will boost their ego and tell them how amazing they are and that the person they are with should count themselves lucky to have them. So I wonder do people like being unhappy? Do they like feeling worthless? Do they like the drama of fight after fight? Is this a turn on for them? Do they have that low a self-esteem? Or are they telling you fabricated fairy tales, so you will feel sorry for them? It is the same with the people who’s online dating profile says they can’t wait to meet that someone special and get off the site. Here you are going on date after date and even make a connections, but can’t get someone who wants to see you on a regular basis, or even a second date, as they are content with a phone or texting relationship. You meet, have a connection, great time, talk for hours on the phone, even go on several dates, yet they are still fishing for a better fish. It makes me think that honest and true people are hard to come by and are the minority these days. So are people afraid of telling the truth? Afraid of being hurt? Afraid of being alone? Or just all around afraid? I have said this before, I did this once and will never settle again. We all deserve to be happy and I would rather be alone and unhappy than with someone and be miserable. Staying with someone you are unhappy with is not just unfair to you, but unfair to the person you are with.

Remembering, yet trying to forget that someone special

Sometimes at night I close my eyes and I can smell you

Sometimes as I lay there I can also taste you too

I can feel your soft fingers caressing my body and skin

I can remember how your lips tasted in each kiss

I can feel the place you took me to of bliss

I can feel the sheer place of beyond fulfillment of pleasure

It’s a place where time can’t be measured

It’s a place that’s beyond anything you can dream

It’s like a fire running through your bloodstream

It’s not the quantity but the quality of the extreme

It’s a blend of two bodies that create amazing steam

It’s a pleasure you can never get enough

As when they are near all it takes is a touch

The steam flies and it’s some amazing hot stuff

It’s hard to forget when you have a memory of an amazing night or nights with someone and you two really connected. You can’t seem to get them or that night(s) out of your head. You wish it was something that happened more, yet know it probably will not. You compare them to all others, which you know isn’t fair, but you can’t help it. When you have been taken to a place of sheer pleasure, something that was more amazing than you could ever have dreamed or imagined, it is difficult to be with another. With them, it is not just the sex, but the conversation, the way they look at you, smile at you, laugh with you and their affection towards you. It seems although you know it’s probably nothing more than a fantasy, you can’t seem to let it go. At night when you are laying there trying to sleep, you close your eyes and you can smell them. You can see their smile, their eyes, hear their laugh and feel their touch on your skin. When you meet someone new, there it is, it pops into your head. When you kiss someone else, for a moment you forget all about them and then at the end of the night, you have a slight feeling of disappointment, even though you had a good time, because you are thinking of them. You wish there was a switch to turn this memory off. I know I always say life is too short not to take a chance and do what makes you happy, but it also is too short to wait around for something that may never happen. I have grown so much in this process, that I know what I like, dislike, what I wish for and want in life. Sometimes I do feel that people and this person don’t understand and appreciate me completely. I also feel that maybe they don’t accept me for who I am. I want to be the woman a man wants, loves and needs, not a woman who needs a man. I struggle with this memory I have, of this amazing person and the great times we shared. I feel that deep down, when I meet the right person, they will make me pack that memory away and I will finally find true happiness and love again.

Take a chance

I also write poetry…..

If you open yourself up to love, you open yourself up to pain

Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes it all goes down the drain

Sometimes you just have to take a chance and dance in the rain

Sometimes you have to break down your wall and break all the chains

As maybe this time it will be amazing and not lame

For once, just don’t think and live life in the fast lane

Maybe just maybe, this time you will find love again
We have all opened our hearts to love and been hurt. Some of us more than once, maybe many times. Some relationships, ended well, some we have walked away from learning something and some were fun while they lasted. Some relationships started out good, but turned bad over time, some we stayed in way longer than we should have and others were nothing short of misery. All these relationships, good or bad, we walked away learning  something about ourselves, growing as a person and knowing what we do and don’t want in our next relationship. Whether we had good or bad relationships in the past, we need to just take a chance and try again. We need to try to remove any walls we may have put up from our past relationships, as not everyone is going to be like the people in our past relationships. We need to not think too much about our past, live in the moment and enjoy the present and not live in the past. Sometimes when we are looking for something to be wrong that isn’t there, what we have dies, instead of growing into something wonderful and beautiful. It’s not always easy to forget about the past, as some past relationships leave wounds. Those wounds, in turn leave us with scars. The scars people can’t see, are sometimes the hardest to cover up. We need to find a way to place the past behind and move forward. The next person you meet may be the right person, everything will connect and you will find love again. Life is too short to give up on love.

Enjoy the quality of time, not the quantity

Sometimes you meet someone and connect, but the only drawback is the time they can give you is limited. They can sneak away for an early morning and a late night walk, a late dinner, a late night drink, a quick afternoon lunch, etc. You list their positives and negatives and discover their positives, outweigh their negatives. You have met some in the past, that could give you so much time and either you don’t connect with them, their negatives outweigh their positives, they don’t make the time for you or their actions don’t show they care. I always say it’s not about quantity, but quality. In the last couple of days, they made the time to enjoy a late night walk along the ocean, a late dinner and was in touch here and there throughout the day. This was all done while spending quality time with their children this weekend. First, by being in touch, it showed me I was on their mind. Second, by making some time for me, without taking away their quality time, with their children, it showed me their children come first. Where there is a will, there is a way and actions speak louder than words. Our time together was short, but in that time their actions showed me how much they truly care about me. When someone cares they will show it. I have found that an hour with the right person is way better than eight hours with the wrong person. Most of us have been through an unhappy marriage, whether it was the two of you stopped communicating, having sex, no longer affectionate, grew apart or just plain unhappy. Why would you ever want to be in another relationship again, where you were more unhappy than happy? So when you meet someone who you connect with, enjoy their company, laugh together, etc., don’t look at how much time they can give you, but the quality of time they give you! A person who doesn’t have a lot of time, but makes time for you, is better than someone who has the time and doesn’t make time for you. You might come after their children, family and sometimes their job, but as long as you are one of their priorities, you will always know it. You will not doubt their feelings or that they care about you.   

Mother’s Day Blessings

On Mother’s Day we all count our blessings, our mothers or miss them, if they have passed. For those that are mothers, we either look at our little ones in amazement or reflect back on our children growing up and wonder where the time has gone. The grandmothers look at their precious grandchildren with joy. It is the day we honor all mothers, whether they were our mother by blood, adoption, took on the role of our mother or fathers that have taken on both the role of mother and father. On this Mother’s Day I looked back on all that my children have been through in their lives, from my son being born premature and beating the odds, my daughter overcoming anxiety, to the both of them dealing with the divorce of their parents and all the ups and downs that went along with it. I have admitted, I didn’t always handle things well at times, but have always apologized to them and have and will always, put my children first, during this whole process. We have always had an open line of communication, even if in the end we don’t agree, they know they can come to me, speak their minds and talk about anything and everything. I may have tried to hard, at times,  to resolve an issue, but it’s only because, like most parents, I can’t stand to see my children get hurt or hurting. I would rather take the brunt of anger for trying to change a situation for them, so my children are no longer hurting. My children have been my rock, at times when I felt the whole world was against me. They have been their to wipe my tears, give me a hug, be by my side and tell me they are thankful for all that I do, as I have been for them also. We have had our ups and downs, like any parent child relationship. They are amazing kids, but still kids. They still leave the dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, don’t clean up after cooking or making a mess, etc. They also will drive me crazy, as with any teens/young adults, plans change all the time and they assume you will change with them. I will admit, I get frustrated at times, as when plans change for them, it means my plans change or are cancelled. I have cancelled dates, plans with friends, left as soon as I arrived somewhere or sat home waiting all night. It may sound like I am complaining and yes a small part of me is, but I would never trade this for anything. I love my kids with all my heart, they truly are a blessing! I want to thank my children for being my rock at times. This divorce has not been easy for me, but most importantly it has not been easy for them. We have all learned along the way, as none of us had ever gone through this before. Some people have told me I do too much for my children, but I would rather be accused of doing too much than too little. So this Mother’s Day I am thankful for my mother, two grandmothers and other women in my life, that taught me to be the strong woman I am today and for the two greatest blessing God has given me, my two children.